unrequested update

I know I said to myself I wasn’t going to write you anymore unless I had something important to say, but I’m breaking my own rules. I was never good at following them anyway. I don’t even know why I’m writing this to you in english, honestly. I guess it’s because this way it feels like it’s not me who’s writing. As if I could change personalities when speaking or writing in another language. Maybe I can. It’s all blurry right now, J. I don’t know what to do.

I’m in the middle of another meltdown and all I keep thinking is how I want to write to you, even though I know you’ll never read this and I know we’ll never talk again. But I feel safe talking to the ghost of you. It’s comforting because I know you won’t reply it. Maybe I made you into my therapist while I don’t search for a real one.

I’m just rambling, I know, but I can’t follow a linear thinking, not right now, especially. So, I’m just going to write it. Piece by piece, no connection at all, maybe they’ll find each other in the end, unlike us. So here it is: my unrequested update #1. I always thought that other title was too much for us.

I think I’m failing more classes than I’d like to this semester, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m afraid I’m losing sight of everything that’s important and I can’t get my head to work as I want it to. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up each day and continue living, the same routine every single day. It’s as if I’m automatic.

I feel like a spoiled brat saying that I feel alone, but it’s the truth, I swear. I feel so fucking alone. I am surrounded by people I love and they love me back, but it’s not enough for this to go away. Why it won’t go away, J? I don’t know for how long I can keep this. Why can’t I just be happy? Like you always said, “why can’t you just be happy?” I don’t know, J. I really don’t.

I wish I knew how to be happy. Or at least not to be sad all the time. The worst part is I don’t even remember myself not being like this. Was I always like this, do you think? Do you imagine a little version of me being sad in the hallways of my elementary school, getting home in the afternoon and watching my cartoons and thinking of how everything makes him fucking sad? I guess I was always like this.

I don’t think I ever loved someone like I loved him. You know, the boy I told you about when we were still talking. I think that’s my problem. I can’t get over things and I can’t get over people. Do you think I’ll be able to love someone again? Do you think someone will ever love me? I’m starting to question this. I tried to change, you always said I didn’t seem interested in people even when I was. I tried to change it, I swear. And even so, people weren’t that interested in me. I’m starting to think I’m unlovable and I think that’s my fault.

He told me I always put up walls to keep me away from people. I think I can’t tear out these walls anymore, J. And I’m really worried about that.

I’m trying.

I promise.