uma escova de dente um livro e uma polaroid

não sabia como despejar tudo isso no papel. ou na tela do meu celular ou computador, não sei como você está lendo. digo em questão de linguagem mesmo. idioma. não conseguia pensar se continuava escrevendo em inglês, my safe made up space, ou se tentava voltar para o português e enfrentar minha realidade de uma vez. escolhi a segunda. também escolhi a segunda porque o que mais estou sentindo é aquilo que vai pelo nome de saudade. essa palavra tão difícil de ser explicada e a favorita de gente que quer falar de palavras intraduzíveis. saudade. também sinto sua falta, como poderia falar i miss you em inglês. ou até poderia mesmo apelar para i'm longing for you. mas percebi que isso já faço há tempos. é saudade mesmo. pura e simples. “sentimento melancólico devido ao afastamento de uma pessoa” é o que diz o dicionário online. e é o que eu digo também. 

estive pensando no que fazer com o tempo que passou. jogo tudo fora? guardo com carinho? o que eu faço com todos esses dias? meses? não chegamos a um ano. por enquanto, guardo aqui no lado esquerdo do peito, adormecido mas não esquecido. isso ainda não posso fazer.  tento me acostumar com a ausência que o dicionário me falou que existe na saudade. fico triste pois hoje estava andando pelo centro da cidade e lembrei que agora não tenho mais alguém pra se preocupar comigo andando pela praça da república dez e meia da noite enquanto eu, como sempre, digo que é claro que não precisa se preocupar, eu sou inatingível. mas não sou. 

essa parte é difícil. não sou inatingível, preciso repetir pra mim mesmo no espelho embaçado de vapor de cada banho que uso pra me anestesiar na água cheia de cloro. você ainda é uma pessoa por baixo de toda a pose e confiança exagerada que todo mundo pode perceber que é disfarce pra um vazio que tá mais lá no fundo. sobraram pedacinhos de mim. pedacinhos de você. fragmentos que estou lutando pra guardar enquanto minha cabeça tenta tirá-los de mim. luto pra não esquecer, até. de quem eu sou. de quem vou ser agora. eu disse que precisava me reconstruir e meu amigo disse que não. eu precisava me renovar. como um prédio comercial que agora vai mudar o ramo de negócios. os escritórios estão vazios e agora preciso ver o que posso usar do que sobrou e o que preciso de novo. 

sobrou uma escova de dente, um livro e uma polaroid. 

memories.

_eu ainda penso nele.

_mas isso é normal.

_você acha mesmo?

_eu acho. essas coisas são difíceis de apagar. eu ainda não entendo o que aconteceu, mas entendo a sua relutância em esquecer.

_minha mente tem essa mania feia de se agarrar a coisas que eu já deveria ter esquecido.

_e por que você acha que ainda não esqueceu?

_eu nunca te contei toda a história, né? mas tá tudo tão bagunçado que não sei se você vai entender. ou se eu vou entender.

_você pode sempre tentar.

_a gente se amava muito, você lembra. demais. talvez por isso já estávamos fadados ao fracasso. com coisas delicadas a gente precisa ter cuidado e sempre fomos inquietos demais. amávamos feito duas baratas tontas, se agarrando a vida juntas porque alguém acabou de espirrar veneno nelas.

_mas que coisa horrível, se comparar a barata.

_você sabe que sempre fui fã do grotesco, não sei porque se surpreende.

_tudo bem. continua.

_então tentamos. por um tempo. contrariar o nosso universo e nossas próprias regras. tentamos, mesmo sabendo lá no fundo, no lugar onde sentimos coisas que nem sei se dão pra serem sentidas, que seria em vão, talvez. ficamos juntos. viajamos juntos. nos mudamos, você se lembra. e um tempo passou. então voltei pra casa, e o resto você já sabe.

_ora, o resto já sei mesmo. mas por que voltou? isso nunca entendi.

_ele sempre me dizia que me amava. pra sempre. eu te amo, para sempre, meu amor, ele dizia. mas sempre com um mas.

_ele dizia te amo, mas?

_não dizia, é claro. mas eu sentia. eu ouvia o que não era falado.

_e qual era o mas?

_nunca soube. mas eu sabia que também o amava. pra sempre. esse era o problema. eu o amava. pra sempre. sem mas. então tive que deixa-lo. e voltei pra casa.

_se o amava pra sempre, sem mas, então por que voltou?

_se eu não tivesse voltado, teríamos durado pra sempre.

_sem mas?

_sem mas.

later

It's 2:40 a.m. now. I spent the last fifteen minutes thinking what to write. I still don't know what I'm writing, but I know it's for you. Too bad you'll never read it, love.

I got your text. I'm sorry I'm leaving you on read. I'm way too high and as I smoke my third cigarrette in a row I realized something I was too scared to admit while I was sober. We'll never be together, will we? I knew this day would come, but I hoped with all of my heart that it would take longer. It doesn't matter how much I love you, we will never be.

I know, deep down, you love me. But you're not ready to love me outside of the made-up world we invented for ourselves. Some day, eventually, we would have to leave this perfect litle world filled with serenity and laughs and warm touches and I don't think we would make it out there.

In our world, I'll continue to love you endlessly, but I need to go into the real world now, love. We were never meant for this universe, I was not, and neither were you. And I understand you not wanting to come with me. So this is where I leave you. We can still have our little world. I can meet you there sometimes. We were always so fond of the idea of other universes, anyway. So I will say this: in our universe we will always be together, watching movies we've already seen a dozen times, just laying in bed, our hands intertwined.

But in this universe I must kiss you goodbye on that hallway where I knew I loved you, for the first time, all those months ago. You cant meet me there when you feel like it. 

I love you. 

Always.

sinestesia

Sua voz

tem gosto de café fresco

servido num conjunto de xícaras

de cores pastéis

que eu tomo

de pernas cruzadas

vestindo um moletom largo e velho

Sua risada 

é azul bebê

em linhas paralelas

que se transformam em espirais

como os anéis de fumaça

que saem da sua boca

Sua mão no meu peito

me lembra a sensação

de estar enrolado em um cobertor

recém-lavado cheirando a amaciante

de roupas azul

Seu toque

tem som de fogos de artifício

no ano novo

neon explosivo

Seu cabelo bagunçado

tem cheiro de banho

e das coisas mais bonitas do mundo

Seu "tchau"

tem gosto de vodca e algodão-doce

você me fez sinestésico. 

i'm sure we're taller in other dimension

today you caught me off guard
and visited me in one of my dreams
my restless mind always projects the craziest dreams
so i don't even bother anymore
but today was different
today you were there

the last time i saw you i tought i was okay
and my tears on my pillowcase said otherwise
since that day i try to pretend
sometimes i can convince myself pretty well
i acted like i was fine all day
but now the show is closing and i don't have to pretend

it took me a time to realise it was you
i mean in my dream
you were so talkative
and i was so talkative
so different from real life
when we would just sink in each other's silence
and just enjoy the presence of each other
my fingers on your collarbones
that was enough

but today my dream version of you was different
you were so much okay with me than i ever considered you would be
and that made me feel bad
i know you said i needed to forgive myself
and for most of the times i think i did
but seeing you being all cutesy and stuff towards me again
it made me feel bad
how could i ever hurt the most precious creature i've ever met
and even so i did
i'm really sorry

when you dissaperead in my dreams
i felt like there was a hole in my imaginary heart
i searched and i searched for you
i woke up soaked in sweat
and you weren't there
in my dream and in my reality
you weren't there
and this made me think you never will anymore
that sucks

i felt like this dream was just a twisted punishment my mind created just for me
it made me think of you again just when i tought i was over with it
and it made you leave me
just like i left you
and now i'm in pain
just like you probably were
so thank you mind
i guess i needed that

unrequested update

I know I said to myself I wasn’t going to write you anymore unless I had something important to say, but I’m breaking my own rules. I was never good at following them anyway. I don’t even know why I’m writing this to you in english, honestly. I guess it’s because this way it feels like it’s not me who’s writing. As if I could change personalities when speaking or writing in another language. Maybe I can. It’s all blurry right now, J. I don’t know what to do.

I’m in the middle of another meltdown and all I keep thinking is how I want to write to you, even though I know you’ll never read this and I know we’ll never talk again. But I feel safe talking to the ghost of you. It’s comforting because I know you won’t reply it. Maybe I made you into my therapist while I don’t search for a real one.

I’m just rambling, I know, but I can’t follow a linear thinking, not right now, especially. So, I’m just going to write it. Piece by piece, no connection at all, maybe they’ll find each other in the end, unlike us. So here it is: my unrequested update #1. I always thought that other title was too much for us.

I think I’m failing more classes than I’d like to this semester, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m afraid I’m losing sight of everything that’s important and I can’t get my head to work as I want it to. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up each day and continue living, the same routine every single day. It’s as if I’m automatic.

I feel like a spoiled brat saying that I feel alone, but it’s the truth, I swear. I feel so fucking alone. I am surrounded by people I love and they love me back, but it’s not enough for this to go away. Why it won’t go away, J? I don’t know for how long I can keep this. Why can’t I just be happy? Like you always said, “why can’t you just be happy?” I don’t know, J. I really don’t.

I wish I knew how to be happy. Or at least not to be sad all the time. The worst part is I don’t even remember myself not being like this. Was I always like this, do you think? Do you imagine a little version of me being sad in the hallways of my elementary school, getting home in the afternoon and watching my cartoons and thinking of how everything makes him fucking sad? I guess I was always like this.

I don’t think I ever loved someone like I loved him. You know, the boy I told you about when we were still talking. I think that’s my problem. I can’t get over things and I can’t get over people. Do you think I’ll be able to love someone again? Do you think someone will ever love me? I’m starting to question this. I tried to change, you always said I didn’t seem interested in people even when I was. I tried to change it, I swear. And even so, people weren’t that interested in me. I’m starting to think I’m unlovable and I think that’s my fault.

He told me I always put up walls to keep me away from people. I think I can’t tear out these walls anymore, J. And I’m really worried about that.

I’m trying.

I promise.

my hair colors

1.

i shaved my hair

and then i met you

and for the first time in a long time

i was truly happy

i remember the touch of your fingers in my scalp

and i loved how that used to make me calm

i remember when i fucked everything up

and i hate how i broke your heart

i tried to search for your touch

in someone else’s hand

and no matter how hard i tried

they weren’t you

i hated how numb i had become

i decided to let my hair grow

cause i couldn’t bare to look myself in the mirror

and see the scalp you would no longer touch

2.

my hair grew

and then i met you

and i could never had imagined

you would make such a broken person like me

feel again

your touch on my skin was good

but my touch on yours hurt you

and i didn’t know why

so i kept on touching

until your skin turned red

i was worried when you said

‘let me save you’

cause i wanted to be saved

but it wasn’t your job to do that

i needed to save myself first

i guess you were trying to search for someone else’s touch in me

but i couldn’t give what you wanted

i wasn’t the one you were looking for

i think you see that now

even though you didn’t before

3.

i dyed my hair blonde

and then gray

and then i met you

and you made me feel alive

even though you didn’t want to

we didn’t hurt each other when we touched

so i thought you were the one for me

it was cold and you held me

while i smoked my third cigarette

my body was warm

and so was my heart

you drew a purple turtle

in my left wrist

and told me you loved me

so i painted my hair purple

cause that was the color we would be

after a while

my hair was lilac

and you texted me

‘let's break up’

and i hated how you left me

4.

i tried pink, blue, green

i cut my hair

changed it to its natural color

let it grew again

dyed back to grey

and i met no one

sometimes all the other colors come back

even when i don’t want them to

and they appear at the most inconvenient times

and when that happens i dye my hair again

but it’s not healthy to keep doing this

i guess i have to embrace all the colors

and accept that they will always be part of me

that’s the only way i can keep on living

so thank you (and i’m sorry) colors

for everything