here's to never ending cycles

I think it’s cute that

my mom thinks that my anxiety problems

were cured when I went to the psychologist that one time

8 years ago

when in reality I’m far from that

actually I’m so far from that

it’s kind of depressing

which doesn’t help at all

with the anxiety thing

it’s a never ending cycle

I was fine for a few weeks
okay
days
whatever
I was fine
but then I was looking through the window of the bus
and nothing was fine anymore
the city turned grayer
the sun was pale
and I was cold
everything was so fucking cold

my friends asked me if I was okay
and I didn’t answer
even hugs couldn’t melt the ice figure I became
so I lit up a cigarette
hoping it should do the trick
and it did
and I hated myself for that
it’s a never ending cycle

later that day when I was waiting for the bus
I walked in the streets we used to walk
and I couldn’t help but cry
cause it was our fucking street, you know
and I was alone
and eventually by tame impala was playing in my ears
and I cried
cause I don’t know if I’ll be happy
and I don’t know you anymore
to even know if there's a possibility you’ll be happy 

after me

on my way home
I light one more of those fuckers
and think about how I can’t recognize something good even when it’s in front of me
and I’m so sorry for that
I’m so sorry for pushing you away
instead of dealing with the problems like a grownup it’s supposed to do
but we both know I’m not that
and honestly I don’t even know if grownups deal with stuff like they say they do
sometimes I think it’s all a scam

I’m sorry, my love

I ruined everything
once again
it’s a never ending cycle