my hair colors

1.

i shaved my hair

and then i met you

and for the first time in a long time

i was truly happy

i remember the touch of your fingers in my scalp

and i loved how that used to make me calm

i remember when i fucked everything up

and i hate how i broke your heart

i tried to search for your touch

in someone else’s hand

and no matter how hard i tried

they weren’t you

i hated how numb i had become

i decided to let my hair grow

cause i couldn’t bare to look myself in the mirror

and see the scalp you would no longer touch

2.

my hair grew

and then i met you

and i could never had imagined

you would make such a broken person like me

feel again

your touch on my skin was good

but my touch on yours hurt you

and i didn’t know why

so i kept on touching

until your skin turned red

i was worried when you said

‘let me save you’

cause i wanted to be saved

but it wasn’t your job to do that

i needed to save myself first

i guess you were trying to search for someone else’s touch in me

but i couldn’t give what you wanted

i wasn’t the one you were looking for

i think you see that now

even though you didn’t before

3.

i dyed my hair blonde

and then gray

and then i met you

and you made me feel alive

even though you didn’t want to

we didn’t hurt each other when we touched

so i thought you were the one for me

it was cold and you held me

while i smoked my third cigarette

my body was warm

and so was my heart

you drew a purple turtle

in my left wrist

and told me you loved me

so i painted my hair purple

cause that was the color we would be

after a while

my hair was lilac

and you texted me

‘let's break up’

and i hated how you left me

4.

i tried pink, blue, green

i cut my hair

changed it to its natural color

let it grew again

dyed back to grey

and i met no one

sometimes all the other colors come back

even when i don’t want them to

and they appear at the most inconvenient times

and when that happens i dye my hair again

but it’s not healthy to keep doing this

i guess i have to embrace all the colors

and accept that they will always be part of me

that’s the only way i can keep on living

so thank you (and i’m sorry) colors

for everything